Reflecting on the Past
by Jedi Knight Ryan
Summary: (Gift fic for Moonsword1994). One shot. His past defined who he was and the man he had become. Haunted by the days of his youth, Commander Cullen Rutherford cannot shake his breaking point, and what his decisions mean for the family he has attempted to create.


**This story is a gift fic for Moonsword1992. This version of the Inquisitor is hers alone. All characters aside from Haven Trevelyan belong to Bioware and EA.**

 **Reflections of the Past**

 _Cullen's past defined who he was and the man he had become. Haunted by the days of his youth, Commander Cullen Rutherford cannot shake his breaking point, and what his decisions mean for the family he has attempted to create._

* * *

" _Knight Commander? Knight Commander can you hear me!?"_

 _He blinked._

 _It took him a minute to realize where he was standing…or what he was standing in. A pool of blood soak his boots, beside him and in the corridors behind him, bodies of mages and demons lay on the cobblestone floor. It took him a moment, but the scenery around him began to become recognizable and he soon realized where he was. The place that haunted him for years, the very place he lost his mind after demons tortured him for months._

 _The Circle of Magi at Lake Calenhad._

 _Something seemed off about the tower this time around, he wasn't stuck behind a purple veil while demons and mages ran free outside, and there was someone missing, the very woman who stopped all this madness. Where was the Hero of Feralden and her companions? Instead, it was only him, him and a band of Templar swordsman and archers at the ready for what seemed to be for him to give the order to proceed into the Harrowing Chamber and finish this madness._

" _Knight Commander? How should we proceed?"_

 _He turned to his right and saw Gregor standing behind him, only things seemed different about him too. Gregor was older then Cullen remembered, and it seemed one of his eyes were missing. But was he referring to him as Knight Commander? Wasn't that Gregor's title?_

" _What…. I don't…"_

" _Cullen look, I realize it's been a long night of purging the tower of these demons, but we're almost done. Now all that remains is the mastermind behind all of this." A hand was placed on Cullen's shoulder by Gregor who stood beside him_

 _Or what was left of him._

" _I thought you were the Knight Commander?"_

" _You forget your field promotion already? Maker's breath Cullen, did you get hit on your head by that sloth demon that hard?"_

 _Gregor was missing an eye, but as well as his left arm from his elbow down and his hand was missing three fingers from his right "I cannot swing a sword after having nearly half of my body burned away. I named you Knight Commander only a few hours ago."_

 _Cullen nodded and turned to his men "Templars. It is time we finished this and purge the tower of its impurity. For the Chantry! For the order!"_

 _The knights standing behind him slammed their weapon hands to their chest "For the Chantry!"_

 _They proceeded up the stairs leading to the Harrowing Chamber. Confidence ran through Cullen like lava coming out of a volcano, he was determined and ready._

* * *

 _The Harrowing Chamber was empty, much to Cullen's surprise, the mage responsible for this, Uldred was a senior enchanter and known for rooting out blood mages, but he was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was only one figure kneeling on the ground in the center of the room._

 _Cullen turned back toward his Templars and discovered they were gone, he was all alone aside from this figure. He drew his sword and began to proceed forward, his breath calm and his movements quiet like a cat, not wanting to scare the person in the chamber but needing to be ready in case it was an abomination. But as he got closer, his breath began to hitch and his nerve that had been building up broke apart like glass._

 _The figure was a woman and she was crying, red hair hung around her shoulders, she wore a simple dress that was stained with blood, there was another figure coming into sight, this one looked like her, only a little different, blondish red hair, the woman's brown eyes lay lifeless and open as she lay dead on the floor._

 _The kneeling woman looked up at him and Cullen knew exactly who it was, she was his champion, his leader, his wife…and his Inquisitor Aresia Trevelyan "How could you Cullen? Where were you!?" She screamed, tears racing down her face "Why did you let her die!?"_

" _Because he is nothing, my dear Inquisitor." A new voice, this one male spoke up "He is nothing but a shell of his former self, and that is all he will ever be."_

 _The new voice belonged to Uldred, and he was exactly as Cullen remembered, bald, older than him and a venom-filled tone in his voice with a bloodthirsty look in his eyes. This man was the one responsible for all this madness within the Circle, he couldn't kill Uldred before because the mage trapped him behind a magical barrier but now he could. His chances began to slip away as Uldred stood behind Aresia._

" _You want revenge against this man Inquisitor? Your daughter showed magic in her and he took that away from you by having her killed."_

" _Yes." Aresia's voice turned into a monotone, the life leaving her grey eyes as she stood in front of Uldred and then beside him, so Cullen could see them both, and then the world around them began to change. They were moved to the gallows of Kirkwall, the red lyrium statue that was once Knight Commander Meredith stood by Cullen like a haunting whisper as he turned his attention to Uldred._

" _Release her blood mage! This is between you and me!" Cullen demanded_

" _Why should I? You couldn't save anyone in the Circle or in Kirkwall. Face it Knight Captain, you are pathetic without your lyrium."_

" _Your wrong! I am stronger now than I ever was before."_

" _Oh, why? Because of your family? Your wife and daughter cannot save you from yourself, Cullen, this is nothing more than the early signs of madness. Soon you'll be nothing but a shell, just like what you are now." He placed a hand on Aresia's shoulder "And soon, you'll lose her too, just like everyone else."_

" _Stop this Uldred! Let her go!" He attempted to charge_

" _Do it and both this pathetic woman and I die." This time it was Aresia's voice that spoke, and Cullen stopped in his tracks._

 _He couldn't do it, he couldn't kill his wife, he loved Aresia too much to even think of it. His sword dropped to the ground in front of him._

" _Its as I said. Pathetic. You are weak, where I am everything you hate about mages and man Cullen." Uldred placed something in Aresia's hand_

 _Acting on instinct, he looked up and saw a dagger in her hand. Aresia's other hand was raised and a cut was made. Uldred began to mutter an incantation and watched as Aresia began to glow and blind Cullen._

 _When he was finally able to see again, all the color left his face and he almost cried. Aresia was possessed and her form overtaken by a pleasure demon, her white skin now pale as a ghost, her hair a raging fire of purple and blue and her eyes no longer grey but jet black. The demon floated over to Cullen, it gently lifted his face and a smile formed on her face._

" _Goodbye, my love." And she rammed a hand right through his heart_

* * *

He didn't even realize he was screaming, his body jolting up as sweat dripped down his face like a fast-paced stream, heavy pants exiting his lungs. He looked to his right and didn't see Aresia in their bed, she wasn't there. Was it real? Did she really become possessed?

"Daddy?"

Cullen's body acting on instinct shifted quickly to his left and saw who addressed him. His daughter Haven stood in the entranceway to his bedchambers, tears streaming down her rose-colored cheeks, a small handmade doll was held in her left hand as she looked at her father. Cullen couldn't tell if he scared her or something else.

"What's wrong my angel? You should be asleep in bed."

"I had a bad dream." Haven continued to cry and didn't move

Cullen nodded and stood up, exiting his bed and walked over to his daughter, gently kneeling and pulling her into a tight hug, his hand resting on the back of her head as he let her cry into his shoulder "I am so sorry my angel."

"Can I sleep with you tonight? I am scared to be on my own."

Cullen smiled "Of course you can." He gently scooped her up and carried her over to his bed, gently placing her on Aresia's pillow, smiling even wider as she snuggled up close to her father.

Now it was coming back to him, Aresia wasn't at Skyhold because she was on her way back from Val Royeaux, visiting with Divine Victoria to discuss her visit to the local chantry in Crestwood and what protection could look like. It was funny, she was supposed to be back tonight.

"Did you have a bad dream too Daddy?" Haven asked as her father got settled

"I did."

"You have them a lot."

"That comes with getting older my angel, you remember more then you want to."

"Can you tell me what it was about?"

He shook his head "When your older and you can understand. What was yours?"

"I was lost in the woods and I couldn't find you and mommy. A wolf was chasing me…but he was sad like he didn't want to do it."

"How do you know it was a he?"

"I don't. I could hear him talking like he was talking to me."

Cullen nodded "It was just a dream sweetheart. Remember what I always taught you."

"The Maker will always protect you?"

He nodded again "That's right."

As he leaned back in bed he let a sigh escape his lips "Maker, your right is far, please watch us from the Frostback Mountains, from across the Waking Sea and to the deepest jungles of the Arbor Wilds. Watch over those I love and protect from harm."

"Is that for me and mommy?" Haven asked as she felt herself start to fall asleep again

"That was for everyone. But especially for you and your mother.' He kissed Haven on the forehead "You never have to worry about losing us Haven, we will always protect you."

"Even if you die?"

"Even when we die and stand by the Maker's side, we will continue to watch over you and love you every single day of your life."

"I love you, Daddy."

"I love you too my angel." He finally saw his little girl fall asleep

She looked a lot like them, blondish red hair, her mother's eyes and smile, though Aresia always said she looked like Cullen more than her, he was inclined to disagree. The first time he felt her kick was during another nightmare, one where he envisioned Coryphus murdering both Aresia and Haven.

"You are a natural with her."

Cullen looked up to see Aresia walking into their bedroom, a sweet smile formed on her face as they kissed.

"I have missed you so much."

"And I you Cullen." She continued to smile as she sat down by his side "Nightmare again?"

"How can you tell?"

She wiped the sweat away and showed him her damp glove.

He blushed slightly "It was the worst one I have had since we found out about her." Cullen glanced down at Haven and then back to his wife "You two make it better though."

"You can talk to me about this Cullen."

"This is my burden to bear." He whispered, "You have the peacekeeping force to lead and Solas and…" He was silenced by another kiss

"Cullen, I love you. I didn't marry you for your looks."

"And here I thought it was my charm that got you." He winked up at her as she climbed into bed beside him and Haven "I will tell you about it tomorrow when Leliana comes to watch her."

"Good," She leaned closer to him "I love you."

"I love you too."

He gently kissed Aresia one more time and then his daughter. For the rest of the night, the nightmares were gone.


End file.
